Starting to sweat. It's very quiet. All I hear is the groans of the bed as I move to write and cool off. It's the middle of a Scottish summer so for this week only the weather and my room is very hot. My dog Kt eerily snores loudly. Her snoring at 3 am to someone very tired does sound haunting in a way. Heavily she snores as it sounds like something in my room breathing. Gives me a slight fearful shiver. I am sleepy so the breathing does seem more noticeable to me.
I was talking to my councilor a short time ago. It was during my first phase of night terrors. My whole life I'd never been one for having problems with bad dreams. It was March. I was staying at my casual partner's house. We went to bed early on Saturday evening. 12 or 1 am being early for us. Normally I stay awake after any company falls asleep. Sometimes I sit there with my thoughts running quite quickly. Usually I remain awake for a considerable amount of time. This time I fall over with a half hour to 45 minutes. It's a short sleep. I wake up knowing not long has passed. I dreamed a little but it's short and vague. I looked around myself whilst laying still. There it was. It was the moment I knew was coming all my life. We all have a reason we turn on lights in the dark. Our fears whether they're real, emotional, physical or unreal stay with us from when we first develop them. A dramatic event or a fear of the dark or a scary documentary. Well this moment was scary, it fitted the folklore of tales gone before. In a detached house. Outskirts of a busy city. A secluded area. It's the middle of the night and something strange is happening in someone's house. No guess to how it got there, no sound of any noise. What other purpose would it have being in the same room as you at this time. That terrifying feeling soon hits. It's a Grey. I'm more scared as I expect it's purpose. Take me. Abduct me. Put me on the table. Paralyze me. I knew this would happen. This is it. The Grey in the dark room. I see it's outline. Long arms. I can tell where it's eyes are. It's watching Joe. What if it looks at me. Is this an unexpected fact about a guy you like. Every now and then an alien grey just happens to hang in his room.
In my dread of possible abduction I manage to start kicking and shouting. Hard kicks but somewhat feeble. I shout JOE JOE JOE!
He says 'blimey, everything alright?'
I'm fully awoken.
The ordeal pauses.
Gray or not I ran to put the lights on. I'm heavily breathing by this point. My eyes still dart around the room looking for it. I only tell Joe I seen something weird. He quickly goes back to sleep, agreeing with my pleas to keep the lights on. I feel silly. Having a nightmare. Nightmares are for kids! I was still terrified. This was my first. As far as I was concerned this was a Grey encounter. I took to twitter and google to see if any UFOs had been spotted at Edinburgh airport or Newbridge. I contemplate for a while. Waiting for the next sign. What can you do after a Grey encounter.
Eventually sleep came.
I don't recall the dream thankfully even as I woke from it the next morning. I imagine if I did recall, it would just be visions upon visions of aliens. Thankfully it wasn't as I wake the next day. Weary I am. The light still on. Joe snores. I wake him a little, he wakes thankfully. I wait in his presence. Relax. I feel comfortable with him. I do love him very much. We talk a little. I watch him on his laptop. He's on so many sites. An internet geek. Making silly online quizzes and videos though he takes them seriously. I love his stories of driving the moderators of Sporcle mad with his inquiries about all his quizzes. It's his mark in the world. It is a lovely sight seeing someone fulfill their purpose in life no matter how silly it is. He finishes up his quizzes and tweets. I talk to him about what I saw. I tell him few other tales of UFOs I have seen and a ghost experience I had. He listened. Unlikely he would sleep that night worried of impending alien abduction. I spend the rest of the day with him. We have fun. We play Worms World Party on the PS1. His favourite game. He usually always wins. We have sex. We go for a walk. We return for more worms. The day finally comes to a close. We say goodbyes in a slightly awkward car journey to Edinburgh bus station. Always weird being driven anywhere by your partners parents.
I tell Joe I'll listen to Jeff Wayne's War Of The World on the bus to Glasgow.
Despite the grey encounter I did.
It'd be funny I thought.
I make it to Glasgow safely despite a diversion on the motorway. Catch the local bus home . I'm tired. A depression hits. Self doubt, whatever. I withhold my story from my mum for now. Worry hits more. Was it work the next day or was it me.
Hello disturbing voices in my head. 03/2016
Talk to me all you want disturbing voices. I'm just gonna w*** and go to sleep. #MindQuieting #Advice 03/2016
In the days and weeks following I'm left trying to figure out what I saw. I feel awkward at night but manage to sleep with the lights off. I do have to turn on the lights to walk around the house. There is always a trembling feeling of an alien lurking round the corner for me. It's there. I just know it will be there one day but I had this fear for so long.
a lot of people feel in contact with other beings
they can't all be abducted?”
Angela she reassures me. Convinces me I'm human. What if I am human, what IF I am alone. 04/2016
A deep mystery in being.
Depression when it first hits you. Or builds in you. When it attacks your body and mind you don't know how to react. It can be seen as an extension of repeated thoughts or beliefs. Upbringings. Loneliness. I was convinced. Visions of leaving this world that one does not belong. Abduction as psychological as it is real. There is always a reason I felt out of place. Like a continually needed justification of myself and to those around me. Asperger's Syndrome. Perception. This is a deep down symptom. Behind routine, outward appearance and communication. This could be Asperger's Syndrome on a deeper level. Don't feel there, speak a different tone of voice. The repetitive struggles of friendships and relationships. A soul in regret. Interpretation could explain vulnerability to depression.
The alien grey. I feel they want me. I deserve to be taken.
"I have to say that I identify very strongly with most, if not all of it. If its any comfort to you, I can assure you that you are not alone. The self loathing you experience is based solely in fear. There are little tricks to undermine fear which I use, for instance I abbreviate fear (False Evidence Appearing Real). Fear is an illusion. You need not succumb to it. I think of you as an astute and articulate young man. You should too. Try it. Perhaps if you can believe in a new and positive perception of yourself, you can project the real you."
A message from a friend of mine Brian after I sent him a letter describing my anxieties,
My friend Brian. I asked him for help with managing myself and my feelings. We had a long chat in a café . I choose to talk to him over other friends and family following a video I saw of him talking of his own experiences. We had the chat over a year ago. It wasn't an defining moment for me. I've forgotten most of the chat. I went on to live my own life after that the way I want to. Got some experiences and stories to tell. The message above is still in my inbox folder. I looked over it recently. Made more sense. It relates to my story now more than it related to me when Brian first sent it. This isn't down to maturity, for anyone reading this with their own mental health journey you are not immature or any less of person for feeling what you feel.
After seeing an alien, thinking I was abducted. One week after the alien I had my next terror. This time it was a rag doll laying beside me. My eyes open in the middle of the night. There it is on the pillow beside mine, looking at me. Nothing else. It's just looking at me. On occasional periods over the next few months and to this day about once every 3-4 weeks I'll have night terror. Sometimes it's aliens, or ghosts, rag-dolls or depression monsters. I act out. I grab pillows, throw them across the room. It just happens and I usually scream. After a few terrors and talking to my councilor I started piecing together why the experiences would be happening. It revealed more to the mystery behind my Aspergers and the origin behind my fear and depression in the first place. So childlike nightmares maybe aren't as immature as you'd expect.
My revealing point is 'perception is an interesting variable to Asperger's Syndrome and Depression. Aliens are scary. Justification of oneself is not needed. Mental fears are pretty much inaccurate.
Aspergers and Anxiety Perception can affect the following; friendships, relationships, hobbies, work, performance, fears and much more.
It can take away any of these or appear to make them worse. If you can take anything from this article please realise . Not to react on this false perception. The feeling between seeing that alien grey and daily fears in life don't differ. It's scary out there and hard to perceive things sometimes.
Causes of skewed perception; school system, work, bullying, taunting, college, family, friends
Skewed perception – An Asperger's Syndrome Symptom
Note – The Alien Encounter is a not a metaphor. It happened and I was freaking terrified! It wasn't really an alien (possibly a coat on a door) but for arguments sake what if it was?