• Stefan

Once It Starts It Doesn't Stop

Welcome to my first blog post of my Asperger's and music themed website. I choose to make this page as I felt I needed a more efficient way of sharing my thoughts and experiences of Asperger's Syndrome as a person and as a musician. My experiences haven't been nice at all but in time now I say I am feeling better than I have ever done. It is time for me to give back my story to help others. I can never say this will be a cure all, nothing is. I myself am only one month out of counselling. I am still vulnerable to the dark. However, in my story so far I've took down some notes of my experiences. I wrote journals, sang songs and made videos all about my experiences. It can still help me. It could maybe help anyone. I hope it does.

Dealing With Meltdowns

One way I dealt with meltdowns in the past two years was keeping a private memo/journal of every single thought that went through my head written my mobile phone. A meltdown for an asperger can be a very sadistic out of world experience. One that takes so much from an individual, much they can never get back. It felt like torment but when I was feeling bad I still wrote every thought down. What is a meltdown you ask? That is the same question I've been asked when I've tried explaining my condition to doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists. They probably don't know and if you don't know they still don't know. When you come back from the darkside of Asperger's Syndrome you will have no clue where you have been. You can't say for sure. How or why you'd remember that horrible place is something you can't think about. Issues with verbal and nonverbal communication is major point of the Asperger's disability.

This is where my written memos helped me express what was going on. In each dark thought I had, I wrote it down in my private memo without compromise. No matter good or bad thought, it got noted. Each little word I agonised over but I can tell you, it was worth it.

Getting Help

I was able to express the pain I felt. With my words I'd written down I conveyed to my counsellor and importantly my doctor without having to say a word. They soon where to ask me questions about all I had wrote. Once you give them the slightest idea they will be much more likely to know the right questions to ask you. Issues with mental health are serious and hard to talk about. My advice is do whatever you can whether it be memos, blogs, videos, pictures, art, poetry or anything else to convey what you are going through to those that could help.

You may be wondering about my memos. I still write occasionally. It doesn't stop. My old memos from long ago, I decided not to delete them. I am now sharing them on twitter for all the world. @aspergermemos

When I first decided to get help for my mental health I thought I'd be better in a few months. Here I am now two years later still regularly updating the goings on in my mind. Making sure I can feel ok with every hour. As much as I hoped I'd return to my old self I once loved I now expect I am this person I'm ok with who one day I might love. My first words of my memos where 'Once It Starts It Doesn't Stop'. This means no bad thing. Do not give up hope. I write this happy now. A word I'd never thought I'd write again to describe myself. I just accept I need to take a little more care of myself mentally.


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